The bishop has mentioned before
that the relationships between bishops and deans have been notoriously rocky,
and that he’s glad that it’s not been the case between him and Mother
Liza. Unlike the relationships
between bishops and deans, I don’t think there are any Victorian novels or
modern accounts that include the relationship between a Cathedral Dean and a
Cathedral deacon, so Mthr Liza and I made it up as we went!
And it turned out to be really,
really successful! At least I
think so, she might disagree…
And that’s no easy feat! Tonight, I’ll share an episode of
clergy confidential, a hidden look into the lives of clergy. Tonight, we’ll feature Mother Liza, and
reveal some of the secrets of what goes on in the sacristy, the unknown
dealings between the clergy cathedral.
Let’s start with the first fact: Mthr
Liza and I disagree about theology.
We disagree about quite a bit of it, actually! We have had some fireworks-level discussions about things
great and small, in the sacristy, over text and email, and, after knowing
Mother Liza for all these years, I’ve come to a simple conclusion about our
theological discussions: she may be a heretic. Now, I’m pretty sure that she thinks my theology sometimes
belongs in a medieval monastery.
So, she’s the modernist and I’m the throwback when it usually comes to
our theological starting points. I
have recommended to the bishop that a stake be prepared in Cathedral Square for
Mother Liza, just to scare her enough, not too much, but just enough so that
she’ll return to orthodoxy. The
bishop has yet to comply.
Second fact in clergy confidential:
what a dean really does. I’m sure
you’ve all seen that meme on Facebook or emailed around the office: six
squares, with six different pictures, and under each picture, the phrases: What
the world thinks I do, what my friends think I do, what my mom thinks I do,
what my boss thinks I do, what I think I do, what I really do. So, here’s the secret about what Mother
Liza really does: everything. And
I mean everything! On a typical
Sunday, I see dozens of people (usually I’m one of them), come to Mthr Liza and
ask for things, tell her things, ask for prayers, for healing, for advice, for
money (that’s usually me), for direction, for help dressing up like St
Nicholas, etc etc. Mthr Liza has
to have plans A-Q in her head for each liturgy each week, in case one of the
multiple variables goes awry, and a change needs to be made. And she has done it all without bleeding
from her eyes!
My favorite example of this was
during the process of the bishop’s transition. For those of you who remember, there are two committees: the
first one selects the candidates, then is done. After that, the transition team takes over, and has to:
bring the candidates and their families here, parade them around the diocese,
hold an election, plan a consecration, plan a going away party for the
Garrisons, install the new bishop.
Mother Liza is the one who headed the process. In seminary, they do not spend a ton of time teaching skills
related to: party planning, cross-continental travel, public relations and
press releases, dog and pony shows, holding a modern, electronic democratic
election in a Gothic Cathedral with technology challenges, clergy rustling,
organizing choirs from 61 different parishes into one huge choir. They didn’t teach any of that in
seminary…they were probably teaching that questionable theology I mentioned
earlier. And since the bishop
taught at that same seminary, maybe his reluctance to prepare the heretic stake
for Mother Liza is because we’d uncover his own dark theological roots…interesting…
Third fact in clergy
confidential: the art of making it
all go smoothly. I bet that you
think that Sunday mornings all fall into place, that a mystical fog settles
over all of the participants, and we just know when to begin processing, that
we know which piece of hardware needs to be carried, set on fire, thrown, turned
on, turned off, lifted up, put away, and that we all know where to sit. Not so.
Part of the secret is that Mthr Liza
thinks through all of these details and gives instructions for anything out of
the ordinary. The worst thing that
can happen is for me to wander around looking confused. And, because my stall is in front of
hers, and sometimes I can’t tell when she’s standing or sitting or kneeling,
I’ll hear her helpfully hiss: STAND!!!!
I get back at her, however, when I get to turn around and tell her that
she has forgotten to cense the altar during the Gloria, and that I’ve waited to
tell her that she has only 15 seconds left, so she had better get moving.
We also have secret hand movements,
and can communicate with our eyes. This (gesture to suspenders) means: take off
your cope and put on your chasuble, but wait until the choir starts, so the
ripping Velcro noise won’t be too loud.
Or this with the eyes: TOUCH THAT AND MOVE IT, not to be confused with
DO NOT TOUCH IT OR MOVE IT. We
never really got that distinction down.
Also, you have one more chance to
see another piece that makes it all go smoothly. If you have never seen them before, this Sunday, kindly ask
Mother Liza to see her sermon. I
can assure you, it looks nothing like what you think it will. It has always been my goal to preach
half as well as Mthr Liza, who sets the bar so incredibly high. I have learned that one of the greatest
fears is the terror that settles into your stomach when you contemplate going
up to the pulpit to preach, and finding that your sermon isn’t there, or the
fear that Mother Liza will feel ill late on a Saturday night, and I’ll need to
preach her sermon without having prepared. So, one Sunday, I thought: just in case, I’ll look over her
sermon, and see how she lays it out, so that, if she suddenly swoons, or
develops croup or scrofula or something, I’ll be ready to preach in her
stead. What I saw when I looked at
her sermon text is the sort of thing you can never unsee. It looks like plans for a nuclear
assault against Canada. It is
color-coded, has cryptic symbols all over it, has arrows with text in both
pencil and ink above and below the lines, is pointed like music, and generally,
both terrified and fascinated me.
I have decided that if Mthr Liza were ever overtaken by some dread
illness, then I’d ask Abbie to play some interlude music during the sermon, and
we’ll all meditate instead.
Fourth part of clergy confidential:
the secret weapon. We all have
those things that keep us going, that make the rough spots of our days a little
smoother. For me, it’s coffee and
gin, though never together.
Different flavor profiles.
Mother Liza’s secret weapon, is much smoother than coffee, much more
powerful than gin, and gives great hugs: Dr Luann Bauer. Luann is Liza’s sounding board for
sermons, the powerhouse who keeps life running amidst the chaos of church
life. The parties that go off
without a hitch: Luann. The
evenings of roasted walnuts and port by the fire when I have a bad day:
Luann. There are times when I go
to Luann for guidance instead of Mthr Liza, usually when I know Mthr Liza would
give me advice I don’t want! And,
even last week, amidst their move, Luann drove a moving truck to Cape Cod
during Holy Week so that Mthr Liza could focus on the liturgies! What a woman! However, I am also suspicious about whether Luann might need
to be burned at the stake, as well.
However, not for heresy, but for witchcraft. I find it impossible that a vegetarian can cook pork like
Luann can, and believe that she must employ the dark arts to accomplish it.
Now, a final part of clergy
confidential; one of the most important parts in the life of any person called
to ordained ministry is the day of ordination. And a personally convicting part is at the end of the sermon,
when the preacher gives the charge to the person to be ordained by the
bishop. At my ordination, Mthr Liza
was the preacher, and gave me my charge.
So, I’d like to return the favor.
Liza Spangler, please stand.
Through your decades of service to
God’s people, you have touched the lives of thousands. You have welcomed into the Church
through baptism, you have prepared Christians for confirmation, you have
married couples, you have helped form and educate those preparing for Holy
Orders, you have anointed the ill and prepared the dying as they journey toward
the promise made to them by our Lord, you have heard the confessed sins of your
people and absolved them in Christ’s name, you have joined with countless
saints and angels in the consecration of the Eucharist. And, personally, you have helped me
through my struggles and joys, and I am honored to call you both my mentor and
friend. You now enter a new phase
in your ministry, that same ministry that tickled the back of your tomboy brain
in Missouri in the 1960s, that led you to General Seminary in the 1970s, to
Alaska in the 80s, to Michigan in the 90s, to Buffalo these last 8 years:
Christ’s call in your life has been a seamless garment, woven from top to
bottom, and Cape Cod is now the next place you are being sent in order to
ensure that the Gospel is proclaimed and that Christ is made present among his
people through the sacraments. The
large window in the Richmond chapel depicts St Paul leaving the elders of the
church as he journeyed on to his next destination. Though we will miss you and will feel a gap as you and Luann
depart, we know that the Lord Christ sends you on to do more of the work he has
given you to do, the work of an apostle, the work of a priest.
Remember, Liza Spangler, the words in Latin from the
1662 Book of Common Prayer that surround the chancel at General Seminary. Remember those words you read on the
walls as you sat in the choir stalls with men who did not want a woman amongst
them, remember those words as you now journey to Cape Cod, remember the words
that hundreds of thousands of priests have heard as the bishop laid hands on
them:
Be thou a faithful Dispenser of the
Word of God, and of his holy Sacraments
Remember, Liza: Thou art a priest
forever. So, with our love and
profound thanks, Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.