Goris-Kolb Wedding

This last weekend, on July 21, 2012, I had the honor to officiate and preach at the wedding of Rob Goris and Donny Kolb, two of my closest friends.  Following below is the text from St John's Gospel that was proclaimed, and the homily I preached.

John 15:9-12

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

I’ve had a number of surprises that I’ve experienced, thanks to Rob or to Donny.  I was surprised one evening when Rob shoved me down a wooded hill in Letchworth Park.  I was surprised I could fall and roll so far down a hill without getting a twig in my eye.

I was surprised that Donny could spin so much without  falling off the stage as I recorded him with my iPhone in a MJ dance-off to Billy Jean at a Michael Jackson Memorial at Roxy’s.

I was surprised when Rob and Donny and I met for our premarital sessions, that Rob didn’t broach the idea of beginning the ceremony today to Can’t Be Tamed.

And, I was surprised that Donny didn’t suggest that Kody carry in the rings in some ecologically friendly, recyclable, biodegradeable, or post-consumer container.

I am sure, however, that nobody here this evening is surprised that we all find ourselves gathered for this occasion.  We all know what Donny and Rob are like: we all know how perfect they are for each other, and we all knew that it was only a matter of time before one of them put a ring on it.  None of us is surprised to be here, because we know what Rob and Donny already know: rarely are there two people who are better suited, more prepared, and exactly what the other one needs.

But there are other surprises.  At this time last year, this evening wouldn’t have been possible for the state or for the church. There was no Hotel at the Lafayette.  And New York State and the Church are not known for their quick turnaround times and speedy responses to equality.  An adjective used to describe them all might be glacial.  But I, for one, am proud this evening to be here at the Lafayette, proud to be a New Yorker, proud to be here in the Church’s name, proud to be a Buffalonian.

This evening, Donny and Rob will be doing two things: entering into a new legal contract and folding themselves into a sacred social context. Rob and Donny have already shown their love and commitment over the last several years, and marriage isn’t going to change that.  They don’t have to get married to show that they mean it when they say I love you.  It’s not like marriage is simply the next logical step, the move in taking their relationship to the next level.

Marriage is a gamechanger.  This evening, the relationship that Rob and Donny have had together is not going to leave this room.  It is going to be altered.  By the exchange of vows, the giving of rings, the promising of their entire selves, and the binding of their hands, Donny and Rob are asking the community gathered here, and asking the grace of God of surprises to forever bind the two of them together, to make of them a new thing, a thing never before seen: a Goris-Kolb!

They will offer their vows to one another, now in the presence of all of those who are here this evening.  We are here as witnesses to their past love, and to the new life that they begin today.  We are witnesses to a divine mystery, an act that will surprise and transform Donny and Rob, and, if we allow it, to surprise and transform all of us, too.

Their marriage is for their mutual edification and growth, but is also a gift that they give to us and to their community.  The gift of their marriage shows us the total commitment and self-emptying possible when two people are willing to give everything for each other.  Their marriage shows that together, we are stronger than when we stand alone.

We also have a responsibility to be there for Donny and Rob, not just today at their wedding, but all through their marriage.  We all have the responsibility and singular privilege of helping them learn from their mistakes and from their triumphs, and sharing our own with them.  Whether we are friends, family, or here for the open bar, we are responsible to laugh with them, to celebrate with them, and to look to them as an example of love.  We can offer them advice, like how to file your state tax return as a couple and your federal one as singles, or how to live together in compromise and mutual joy.  Those of us here who are already married have had some of these experiences, and we are enjoined to share our joys with you, Donny and Rob.  And you, likewise, are a model to all of us, reminding us of what love looks like, just as Christ is a model of love to us, as St John’s Gospel recorded: that we love one another as totally as Christ has loved us.

In Japanese pottery, there is a practice called kintsugi.  When Japanese porcelain is broken or cracked, instead of throwing it out or discarding it, potters repair the break using a gold lacquer.  In that way, the defects and flaws of the piece are transformed into beauty, rather than hidden.  Instead of imperfections being shameful, they become opportunities to shine.

You come to each other today with cracks, with gaps, with things that you’d like to change about yourselves.  In your marriage, if you permit yourselves to be vulnerable and open to one another, each of you will transform the other’s cracks into gold.  Moving from independence to interdependence can be rocky, but you will nurture and benefit each other if you permit your love to triumph and to transform the things that hold you back into the things that will be your most shining triumphs.  And from this day, you will undertake this for and with each other.  Now, the decisions that affect each of you most intimately will be decided together: sacrifices and compromises will be made.  The surprises that vulnerability will bring you will be as varied and exciting as the surprises you’ve already had.

We know that you two have already grown together, have begun  a common life.  Donny has better taste in clothes because of Rob, and will now eat cheese.  Rob still has a Droid instead of an iPhone, but Donny’s working on that.  We know that you’ll continue to complement each other, to bind up each other’s damage with gold, and to make each other happy for many years. 

But you’ve also made us who are gathered here with you into better persons.  You’ve shown all of us how wonderful and surprising it is to be in love and how adorable matching pink bowties can be.  And, as my dearest friends, you two have made me a better man, and a better husband.  Thank you.  Thank you for inviting all of us into your love, thank you for renewing us and reminding us that love always triumphs.

Donny and Rob, what I can give you, I give you with my whole heart.  I can give the State’s license, and God’s grace through the Church’s blessing.  But both of those things pale compared to what you give each other.  In your vows, you’ll give to one another your very lives. 

You, Donny and Rob, will forever bind yourselves together, and generate a new and holy creation through your marriage. You will place seals on one another’s hearts, and tie bands to each other’s souls.  You will give everything to one another, and forever be different men.

Rob and Donny, please rise and join me.