Dean Spangler's Retirement Party, 2014

These were the remarks I gave at the retirement party for Dean Spangler, commenting on her time as Dean of St Paul's Cathedral, Buffalo.

The bishop has mentioned before that the relationships between bishops and deans have been notoriously rocky, and that he’s glad that it’s not been the case between him and Mother Liza.  Unlike the relationships between bishops and deans, I don’t think there are any Victorian novels or modern accounts that include the relationship between a Cathedral Dean and a Cathedral deacon, so Mthr Liza and I made it up as we went!

And it turned out to be really, really successful!  At least I think so, she might disagree…

And that’s no easy feat!  Tonight, I’ll share an episode of clergy confidential, a hidden look into the lives of clergy.  Tonight, we’ll feature Mother Liza, and reveal some of the secrets of what goes on in the sacristy, the unknown dealings between the clergy cathedral.

Let’s start with the first fact: Mthr Liza and I disagree about theology.  We disagree about quite a bit of it, actually!  We have had some fireworks-level discussions about things great and small, in the sacristy, over text and email, and, after knowing Mother Liza for all these years, I’ve come to a simple conclusion about our theological discussions: she may be a heretic.  Now, I’m pretty sure that she thinks my theology sometimes belongs in a medieval monastery.  So, she’s the modernist and I’m the throwback when it usually comes to our theological starting points.  I have recommended to the bishop that a stake be prepared in Cathedral Square for Mother Liza, just to scare her enough, not too much, but just enough so that she’ll return to orthodoxy.  The bishop has yet to comply.

Second fact in clergy confidential: what a dean really does.  I’m sure you’ve all seen that meme on Facebook or emailed around the office: six squares, with six different pictures, and under each picture, the phrases: What the world thinks I do, what my friends think I do, what my mom thinks I do, what my boss thinks I do, what I think I do, what I really do.  So, here’s the secret about what Mother Liza really does: everything.  And I mean everything!  On a typical Sunday, I see dozens of people (usually I’m one of them), come to Mthr Liza and ask for things, tell her things, ask for prayers, for healing, for advice, for money (that’s usually me), for direction, for help dressing up like St Nicholas, etc etc.  Mthr Liza has to have plans A-Q in her head for each liturgy each week, in case one of the multiple variables goes awry, and a change needs to be made.  And she has done it all without bleeding from her eyes!

My favorite example of this was during the process of the bishop’s transition.  For those of you who remember, there are two committees: the first one selects the candidates, then is done.  After that, the transition team takes over, and has to: bring the candidates and their families here, parade them around the diocese, hold an election, plan a consecration, plan a going away party for the Garrisons, install the new bishop.  Mother Liza is the one who headed the process.  In seminary, they do not spend a ton of time teaching skills related to: party planning, cross-continental travel, public relations and press releases, dog and pony shows, holding a modern, electronic democratic election in a Gothic Cathedral with technology challenges, clergy rustling, organizing choirs from 61 different parishes into one huge choir.  They didn’t teach any of that in seminary…they were probably teaching that questionable theology I mentioned earlier.  And since the bishop taught at that same seminary, maybe his reluctance to prepare the heretic stake for Mother Liza is because we’d uncover his own dark theological roots…interesting…

Third fact in clergy confidential:  the art of making it all go smoothly.  I bet that you think that Sunday mornings all fall into place, that a mystical fog settles over all of the participants, and we just know when to begin processing, that we know which piece of hardware needs to be carried, set on fire, thrown, turned on, turned off, lifted up, put away, and that we all know where to sit.  Not so. 

Part of the secret is that Mthr Liza thinks through all of these details and gives instructions for anything out of the ordinary.  The worst thing that can happen is for me to wander around looking confused.  And, because my stall is in front of hers, and sometimes I can’t tell when she’s standing or sitting or kneeling, I’ll hear her helpfully hiss: STAND!!!!  I get back at her, however, when I get to turn around and tell her that she has forgotten to cense the altar during the Gloria, and that I’ve waited to tell her that she has only 15 seconds left, so she had better get moving. 

We also have secret hand movements, and can communicate with our eyes. This (gesture to suspenders) means: take off your cope and put on your chasuble, but wait until the choir starts, so the ripping Velcro noise won’t be too loud.  Or this with the eyes: TOUCH THAT AND MOVE IT, not to be confused with DO NOT TOUCH IT OR MOVE IT.  We never really got that distinction down.

Also, you have one more chance to see another piece that makes it all go smoothly.  If you have never seen them before, this Sunday, kindly ask Mother Liza to see her sermon.  I can assure you, it looks nothing like what you think it will.  It has always been my goal to preach half as well as Mthr Liza, who sets the bar so incredibly high.  I have learned that one of the greatest fears is the terror that settles into your stomach when you contemplate going up to the pulpit to preach, and finding that your sermon isn’t there, or the fear that Mother Liza will feel ill late on a Saturday night, and I’ll need to preach her sermon without having prepared.  So, one Sunday, I thought: just in case, I’ll look over her sermon, and see how she lays it out, so that, if she suddenly swoons, or develops croup or scrofula or something, I’ll be ready to preach in her stead.  What I saw when I looked at her sermon text is the sort of thing you can never unsee.  It looks like plans for a nuclear assault against Canada.  It is color-coded, has cryptic symbols all over it, has arrows with text in both pencil and ink above and below the lines, is pointed like music, and generally, both terrified and fascinated me.  I have decided that if Mthr Liza were ever overtaken by some dread illness, then I’d ask Abbie to play some interlude music during the sermon, and we’ll all meditate instead.

Fourth part of clergy confidential: the secret weapon.  We all have those things that keep us going, that make the rough spots of our days a little smoother.  For me, it’s coffee and gin, though never together.  Different flavor profiles.  Mother Liza’s secret weapon, is much smoother than coffee, much more powerful than gin, and gives great hugs: Dr Luann Bauer.  Luann is Liza’s sounding board for sermons, the powerhouse who keeps life running amidst the chaos of church life.  The parties that go off without a hitch: Luann.  The evenings of roasted walnuts and port by the fire when I have a bad day: Luann.  There are times when I go to Luann for guidance instead of Mthr Liza, usually when I know Mthr Liza would give me advice I don’t want!  And, even last week, amidst their move, Luann drove a moving truck to Cape Cod during Holy Week so that Mthr Liza could focus on the liturgies!  What a woman!  However, I am also suspicious about whether Luann might need to be burned at the stake, as well.  However, not for heresy, but for witchcraft.  I find it impossible that a vegetarian can cook pork like Luann can, and believe that she must employ the dark arts to accomplish it.

Now, a final part of clergy confidential; one of the most important parts in the life of any person called to ordained ministry is the day of ordination.  And a personally convicting part is at the end of the sermon, when the preacher gives the charge to the person to be ordained by the bishop.  At my ordination, Mthr Liza was the preacher, and gave me my charge.  So, I’d like to return the favor.  Liza Spangler, please stand.

Through your decades of service to God’s people, you have touched the lives of thousands.  You have welcomed into the Church through baptism, you have prepared Christians for confirmation, you have married couples, you have helped form and educate those preparing for Holy Orders, you have anointed the ill and prepared the dying as they journey toward the promise made to them by our Lord, you have heard the confessed sins of your people and absolved them in Christ’s name, you have joined with countless saints and angels in the consecration of the Eucharist.  And, personally, you have helped me through my struggles and joys, and I am honored to call you both my mentor and friend.  You now enter a new phase in your ministry, that same ministry that tickled the back of your tomboy brain in Missouri in the 1960s, that led you to General Seminary in the 1970s, to Alaska in the 80s, to Michigan in the 90s, to Buffalo these last 8 years: Christ’s call in your life has been a seamless garment, woven from top to bottom, and Cape Cod is now the next place you are being sent in order to ensure that the Gospel is proclaimed and that Christ is made present among his people through the sacraments.  The large window in the Richmond chapel depicts St Paul leaving the elders of the church as he journeyed on to his next destination.  Though we will miss you and will feel a gap as you and Luann depart, we know that the Lord Christ sends you on to do more of the work he has given you to do, the work of an apostle, the work of a priest.

Remember, Liza Spangler, the words in Latin from the 1662 Book of Common Prayer that surround the chancel at General Seminary.  Remember those words you read on the walls as you sat in the choir stalls with men who did not want a woman amongst them, remember those words as you now journey to Cape Cod, remember the words that hundreds of thousands of priests have heard as the bishop laid hands on them:

Be thou a faithful Dispenser of the Word of God, and of his holy Sacraments

Remember, Liza: Thou art a priest forever.  So, with our love and profound thanks, Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.